


Snowball Fight

by intothewinenotthelabel



Category: Schitt’s Creek
Genre: Gen, Sibling Rivalry, Snowball Fight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-31 01:30:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21034988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intothewinenotthelabel/pseuds/intothewinenotthelabel
Summary: “Oh, I'm aligning myself," Patrick laughs, picking up a snowball and hitting David right between his shoulder blades. The snowball explodes up and into David's cashmere scarf, continuing until it stops at the top of David's head. "It's just not with you," Patrick continues, bending down to make another snowball.





	Snowball Fight

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [SCFrozenOver](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/SCFrozenOver) collection. 

> **Prompt:**  
  
Alexis and David's first snowball fight. Either when they were kids, or as adults, in Schitt's Creek, because they never had a snowball fight as kids.
> 
> Find pics of Bob the snowman accessories here:  
https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/70758?page=snowman-family-kit&bc=29-515476-513503-513504&feat=513504-GN3&csp=f&attrValue_0=Assorted
> 
> _______
> 
> Many thanks to my bar mates RhetoricalQuestions and metalshootingstar for the betas and the edits.
> 
> _______

Alexis throws a Christmas party for her tween daughter Emma Claire. David agrees to help; when he arrives with dessert hilarity ensues.

"Emma Claire, Jennifer is here," Alexis yells, "please answer the door!"

Alexis is attempting to hang the burlap and plaid pennant banner by herself above the dining room table. Her daughter Emma Claire is throwing a holiday party for 12 of her best friends, and this is the last of the decor. She was waiting for Ted to get home to help her, but he is tied up at the clinic at the moment. 

"I got it, mom!" Emma Claire yells back, opening the door. 

"OMG," she squeals to her friend Jennifer, "love your sweater; it's like, so festive!"

"I know right," Jennifer agrees, swinging her long blond braid over her shoulder, showing Emma Claire the metallic tinsel she added to her braid. "look what I did to my hair!" 

" I love it so much!" Emma Claire says before yelling to Alexis "Mom, we’re going upstairs! can you watch the door?"

Alexis smiles to herself. She has had a blast spending time with Emma Claire planning this party. They haven’t spent as much time together lately; all Emma Claire wants to do is be with her friends. Alexis gets it, but she misses her. Until about two years ago, Emma Claire thought Alexis was the coolest person ever, and now she rolls her eyes at her mom more than not. 

Preteens. 

But planning this holiday party required a lot of mother and daughter time, and of course, grandmother time. Moira Rose will not tolerate exclusion from any party planning that has a Rose name attached to it. She did allow Emma Claire to make most of the decisions, except for the guest list. Moira had strong feelings about some of the parents in their community and wanted to ensure that Emma Claire was only spending time with those worthy of her presence. 

The Schitt's Creek population has grown significantly in the past few years and while the majority of the people in their town still operate under the same moral code of "everyone fits in" there are a few mean girls at Emma Claire's school, and Moira is fiercely protective of her granddaughter. 

Alexis is thankful for the time she and Emma Claire have spent together recently. She remembers her preteen years, when most of her time was spent trying to navigate friendships and hormones, and of course, which yacht to take out on the weekend.

Alexis did not have experiences like this with Moira and wants to ensure that Emma Claire's childhood is different. She and Ted want to be as involved in their children's lives as they will allow. At least, John Michael still loves his mama.

************  
"Mom, come look at this snow, the flakes are HUGE!" Emma Claire shouts, running to the front door. 

It’s been snowing off and on all day. Alexis heard something earlier today about a possible snowstorm, but she didn’t pay much attention because they never get that much snow this time of year.

Looking out the window at the giant flakes that are suddenly coming down, she realizes she may need to adjust the plans for the rest of the party and possibly the entire night. Checking the weather, she sees that they are expecting a record amount of snowfall in a short period of time. 

"Emma Claire, have all of your friends call their parents to see if they can sleepover; no one needs to worry about driving in this," Alexis yells out, grabbing her phone to call David.

"David, where are you?" she asks, her voice slightly panicked. David should have already arrived with the desserts. 

"I’m still about 45 mins away, I got stuck behind someone placing an order for a very complicated cake design, and now with the snow. I should be there soon." David says, reassuring Alexis.

"Oh my god David, are you okay?" Alexis says, worried about her brother. 

"I’m fine, we’re in Patrick's car tonight, we will be there soon, but I need to go so I can focus," David says referring to Patricks all-weather Ranger Rover. They are perfectly safe, and David will deliver himself, Patrick, and the cupcakes unharmed. 

Knowing their plans for the night have suddenly changed; Alexis has an idea. She has 45 minutes to execute it, but she is pretty sure with Emma Claire and all of her friends, they can pull it off.

"Girls, we have a new mission. Let's build a snowman and a surprise uncle, David. He left one of his sweaters here last weekend; we can totally make it look like him." Alexis says, giggling as she imagines the look on her brother’s face when he sees his sweater on a snowman. 

Thirty minutes later, Alexis and the girls have managed to build a decent-sized snowman, and while his symmetry is a little questionable, he is glorious. Bob the snowman is wearing a Valentino black crewneck sweater with a large V logo in white, a Loro Piana red striped cashmere scarf, and a black knit hat. Of course, no snowman is complete without buttons and a nose, and luckily Alexis has just the accessories. The snowman family kit she and Ted bought from L.L. Bean will add the final touches. 

Alexis and the girls admire their handy work and proceed to make as many snowballs as possible in a few minutes. With about five minutes to spare, Alexis turns off all the house lights, and everyone, sans Ted and John Michael, assumes their positions behind the bushes near the front porch. 

Alexis instructs the girls to gather as many snowballs as possible, and get one or two in the ready position, then they wait. 

Finally, they hear them. 

Patrick and David pull down the gravel drive alerting everyone to their arrival. The long gravel drive merges into the driveway that leads to the side of the house. Closing the car door, David says to Patrick, "You’d think she would have at least left the lights on for us." 

"David, I’m sure it was an oversight; she does have 12 preteen girls at the house right now, she has other things on her mind. Don't take it personally," Patrick replies, reassuring David as they walk up the sidewalk leading to the front porch.

"Oh, you should take it personally," Alexis yells, jumping out from behind the rock wall, and pelting her brother directly in the chest with a snowball. 

David realizes what is happening as the security lights are triggered flooding the front lawn with light.

"Oh my god Alexis, ow, what the actual fuck?!." David exclaims. “And what is my sweater doing on a snowman? Fuck Alexis, that sweater was expensive!”

"Uncle David, language, you owe me $2." Emma Claire says.

"Whatever, I'll give you $10 to stop." David negotiates.

"I'll give you $20 to do it again." Patrick counters, laughing hysterically at the look on David's face. 

"Patrick," David says, annoyed with his husband's encouragement, continuing towards the porch to set down the cupcakes. "a little alliance from my husband would be nice." 

"Oh, I'm aligning myself," Patrick laughs, picking up a snowball and hitting David right between his shoulder blades. The snowball explodes up and into David's cashmere scarf, continuing until it stops at the top of David's head. "It's just not with you," Patrick continues, bending down to make another snowball.

"Glad I decided to wear gloves, and a hat," Patrick says, teasing David.

"Patrick, I had no idea we were going to be under assault; I was under the impression we were delivering cupcakes and picking up John Michael," David responds, hiding behind the porch railing for safety. "Alexis, where are Ted and John Michael?" 

"I think they’re checking the pizza." Alexis replies, throwing another snowball in the direction of her brother, barely nicking him as he ducks safely through the front door.

"Party pooper! " Alexis yells at David, loud enough so he can hear her inside the house. 

********  
Safely away from the onslaught of snowballs, David searches for Ted and finds him removing the pizzas from their stone oven on the back porch.

"Ted," David says, getting his attention, "I need your help."

"Hey David, good to see you buddy, what's up?" Ted asks, coming in for a hug.

"I just got pelted with a snowball coming inside from the car," David states, "we need a plan to get them back."

"Well, that is certainly SNOW laughing matter, David," Ted replies, nudging David in the side. “let's SNOW get em; get it, David, snow get em, instead of go get em?" 

"Yes, Ted, I get it. It's SNOW secret you love puns," David says, joining in on the silliness.

David is actually thrilled about what’s happening right now. He and Alexis have never been part of a snowball fight. Most of their winter memories consist of private lessons, including, but not limited to, skiing, and ice skating; one winter they even hired an outfitter and participated in a three-day dog sled tour. The idea of a snowball smackdown with his sister is making him more excited than he should be. 

Challenge accepted Alexis, challenge accepted.

"John Michael, get your guns, let's go," David says, referring to the snowball shooters John Michael got for Christmas last year. They haven’t had enough snow to use them this season, until now. 

************

Alexis, still in the front with the girls and Patrick, assembles the team to strategize. "We need a plan, I know Teds in the back, with John Michael, making the pizzas, and David can't resist the smell of pizza, so I propose an ambush."

"Good idea," Patrick agrees, gathering the girls to make more snowballs to add to their already impressive pile. Before heading towards his car. "I'll get something to put them in; keep working, and I'll be back," 

David and Patrick had been doing some shopping earlier in the day, and he happens to have two large galvanized tins with handles, sitting in the back of his car. They were on clearance, and Patrick finds it hard to resist a good bargain. He plans to use them when he transplants the rose bushes that are currently on the stoop of Rose Apothecary.

Grabbing them, he returns to the girls, placing Alexis in charge of one of the tins, and himself, of the other. They fill the tins with snowballs and head out in pursuit of David and Ted.

****************

David assumes Patrick will come looking for him, well at least he hopes he does. What kind of husband wouldn’t check on him after that sort of assault? David can think of various ways in which Patrick could kiss him and make up for what he did. But he shouldn't be thinking about that right now. He must prepare for battle. Ted, John Michael, and David hide behind the oven on the back porch, guns in hand, locked and loaded with snowballs. 

They hear the group coming, and crouch down even further to blend into the scenery. Whispering to Ted and John Michael, "On three okay, when they all get around the corner, we ambush on three." Said David.

"Got it," Ted agreed, checking his ammunition. 

"Roger that Uncle David," John Michael affirmed.

"One, two, three," David says, standing up on three, aiming right for Alexis. Hitting her upper thigh, he turns to Patrick and aims, smacking him right between his pecs. Taking one more shot at Emma Claire, David misses and hits the wall between her and her friend Jennifer.

David returns to his hideaway behind the stove to reload while Ted continues his assault. Ted makes contact with Alexis, hitting her in the shoulder and catching her hand, consequently knocking the snowball she was getting ready to aim to the ground.

John Michael stays behind the oven, relying on the element of surprise. His plan works, and he pelts his sister's friend Katie, in the leg. 

David reloads his gun and focuses on his niece again, but he is too late, and she gets him square in the neck. 

“Oh my god Emma Claire,” David yelps, “I thought I was your favorite uncle?”

“Uncle David, snowman is off-limits, the snowball is in your court, what are you going to do?” Emma Claire challenges, using her best puns, she obviously gets it from her dad.

“Game on EC,” David says, aiming directly at her, she turns and tries to run away, but he makes contact with her upper back left shoulder. The snowball explodes, with the debris hitting Alexis in the face.

“Ew, David, ugh. You got me right in my face!” Alexis yells, running after David.

David runs away, crossing the back of the porch to the other side of the house, attempting to escape an angry Alexis that seems determined to pay him back. David makes it to the front yard only to find Patrick and the girls waiting. They had a shorter journey back to the front yard.

David is outnumbered and tries to hide behind Bob the snowman. Ducking his head between his legs, David surrenders to the onslaught. He has never laughed so hard in his life as he is pelted with snowball after snowball. At least they reduced the pressure at which they are throwing them.

He’s soaked, and his stomach hurts from laughing so much. Standing up after the assault, he reaches for Alexis in surrender. 

“Okay, you got me. I give up.” David says.

Alexis goes over to David to accept his hug; as she reaches for him, he grabs her arm and throws her into Bob. Alexis falls face-first into the snowman knocking him over. Alexis, covered with snow, clothes, and snowman accessories, lays there laughing until David tries to help her up. Grabbing snow from a barely recognizable Bob, Alexis says, “aw poor Bob," and proceeds to hit David, with a hand full of snow, right on the side of his head, filling his ear with cold, wet, snow.

"Rest in pieces Bob, rest in pieces."


End file.
